9/11 Conspiracy Theories Finally Laid to Rest

New Witnesses Prove Government Was Right After All

9/11 conspiracy theories have been laid to rest many times.

But somehow they seem to keep bouncing back.

A few years ago, the military released a few frames from one of its eighty security videos showing the attack on the Pentagon. As Sean Hannity said, “This will silence the conspiracy theorists.” And by all rights it should have. After all, if you enter a state of deep relaxation and watch those frames with your eyes closed and visualize a 757 hitting the Pentagon, you can almost see it – even if O’Reilly himself couldn’t.

Not long after that, a British scientist released a very, very scientific paper explaining how the Twin Towers might have defied the laws of physics by exploding into powder from the top down at near free-fall speed without the use of explosives. The author claims to have discovered that chaos theory invalidates the laws of physics – and the laws of meaning as well. You can tell that this paper is incredibly scientific because it is impossible to understand. If you relished Finnegan’s Wake, you might be able to get through a couple of sentences of this paper. Conspiracy theorists, however, dismissed it as pretentious nonsense.

Another British scientist has opined that it was magnetic phenomena, not heat or explosives, that caused the Trade Towers to collapse. This theory, however, was not magnetic enough to cause conspiracy theories to collapse.

Magnetism and chaos theory were not the only hitherto-unknown scientific phenomena invoked to explain away the apparent demolitions of 9/11. In 2008, the National Institute of Sciences and Technology claimed to have discovered yet another “new phenomenon,” which it called “thermal expansion.”  Conspiracy theorists, once again, were unimpressed.

Last month a Norwegian scientist named Christen Simensen claimed that the massive explosions witnessed by hundreds of victims and first responders – explosions the conspiracy theorists say were part of a controlled demolition – were actually caused by molten aluminum from the planes interacting with water from the buildings’ sprinkler systems. Apparently, molten aluminum has some interesting properties. It can actually flow backwards in time, which explains why the first explosions in the North Tower happened a little over ten seconds before the plane hit, according to seismic evidence and eyewitness testimony. And molten aluminum can, under certain extraordinary circumstances, teleport itself from building to building, which is how the molten aluminum in the Towers caused the explosions that brought WTC-7 straight down at free-fall speed. Molten aluminum, it seems, may even have been responsible for the BBC’s premature report of the demise of WTC-7, the count-down to demolition that was heard over police radio, official announcements that WTC-7 was about to be demolished, and other strange phenomena witnessed that day. Even Larry Silverstein is now blaming molten aluminum for his nationally-televised confession to the demolition of WTC-7.

Somehow, despite all this debunking, the conspiracy theorists haven’t gone away.

But now, new eyewitness evidence has surfaced proving, once and for all, that the government’s story is true.

Bill Widdleschnapp, a 48-year-old computer programmer from Arborville, Massachusetts, has conclusive proof that Muslim hijackers with boxcutters really did take over four planes and slam three of them into their targets. After all, he was on those planes.

“I was on Flight 93, heading to San Francisco to visit relatives,” Widdleschnapp explains. “At the same time, I had a ton of business to attend to in Los Angeles, so I caught Flights 11, 175, and 77 just to make sure I’d get there on time.”

Widdleschnapp asserts that the 9/11 Commission’s account of what happened on each of those planes is correct. “The official account is amazingly accurate,” he asserts. “It’s almost like author Philip Zelikow was on those planes too, sitting right beside me.” Widdleschnapp added that the film Flight 93 was “downright uncanny. I mean, there I am, sitting in 26-B! It’s incredible! I think Hollywood must have had somebody with a camera on the actual plane, because that movie isn’t fiction, it’s a documentary. As far as I can tell, every bit of footage was filmed right there on the actual Flight 93.”

How did Widdleschnapp manage to survive the fiery crashes? “Hey, if ten hijackers can survive, why not a passenger?”

Widdleschnapp’s testimony is backed by another new witness: Diddley Schnagle, a bartender from Bend, Oregon. “What do you mean 9/11 wasn’t real?” Schnagle insists. “I saw it with my own eyes! I saw it on television! I saw the Flight 93 movie! I was there!”

Conspiracy theorists, awed by the new eyewitness testimony, seem to have finally given up and gone away. One especially notorious conspiracy theorist, Dr. Kevin Barrett, has announced that due to the overpowering effect of Widdleschnapp and Schnagle’s testimony, he has retired from alternative journalism is now writing for the mainstream media.